How do you have enough energy for quality time with your partner at the end of the workday?
Photo courtesy of Alok Deshpande
One of the best parts about being married is coming home to someone who can provide a soft landing at the end of a long day. One of the worst feelings, however, is coming home so drained that you have nothing left for your partner.
Jason and I both work long hours at hectic jobs. My job in particular requires a lot of meetings...which means a lot of talking. I’m somewhat introverted, which means I find it extra exhausting to spend the entire day talking. I began to notice that by the time I arrived home just before dinner, I was running on fumes and had no energy left for Jason.
This was further compounded by being a long distance couple for so long. When I lived in California, I became pretty used to zoning out at night, spending my evenings by myself binge-watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and reading. Once I moved back to New York, however, I realized my habits had to change.
What we’ve tried:
“Waking up” for the second time: One of my professors from business school mentioned this in the last class of the semester, and it’s stuck with me since. She realized she needed to make a conscious decision to “wake up” for the second time on the way home to her family. Hearing her share this made me realize I spent a lot of time in the morning getting mentally prepared to start work but spent almost no time mentally “leaving” work when getting ready to go home. The simple act of reminding myself to “wake up” for the second time has helped me (sometimes!) feel slightly more refreshed by the time I get home.
Find small ways to recharge before engaging: Because I spend my day in front of a computer (even more so now!), I’ve found it immensely helpful to do something radically different to signal to myself that work is over. Going for a walk, working out, even walking around the house listening to a podcast have all helped me recharge a bit and mark that my working day is over.
Be present when you’re together: Putting down my phone and “turning off” my running interior monologue about work (e.g., “I need to do X first thing tomorrow, what’s the best way to think about Y, how am I going to resolve my disagreement with co-worker Z”) was crucial to this. Jason and I implemented a “no electronic devices” rule when catching up to ensure that even if we only have fifteen minutes to chat, we’re both fully present during that time.
Be thoughtful and lead with the upshot: After a stressful or frustrating day, I would come home and give poor Jason the blow-by-blow of what exactly happened that made my day so stressful or frustrating. It never made me feel better, and it often ended up setting a really negative tone for the rest of the evening. Once Jason (gently) pointed this out, I realized I needed to be more judicious and thoughtful about how and what I shared. Now, we both try to lead with the upshot and time-box any venting.
Reading and TV dinners are OK: Occasionally, despite our best efforts, Jason and I are too exhausted to do anything but read or watch Netflix during dinner. It happens! Because we’re trying the tactics above, I try to not feel too badly about it.
Do you have any tips for how to recharge at the end of the day? Let me know in the comments below!