What I've learned so far by writing this blog

This post will be a bit different. One of the best parts of writing this blog has been the conversations I’ve had with friends and family about how they’ve faced or dealt with these issues. I wanted to share a few takeaways from some of the conversations I’ve had and articles that have been generously sent my way:

Americans are generally becoming more egalitarian about the division of housework and childcare. Plus, overall, men with children are increasingly concerned about work-life balance: in a recent study, 50% of fathers said they found it “very” or “somewhat” difficult to balance work and family life.
This belief, however, hasn’t trickled down to impact how working fathers and mothers actually spend their time. Women spend twice as much time per week with their children than men and perform, on average, eight more hours of housework per week (18 hours/week for women, 10 hours a week for men). Even in dual-income families, couples don’t divide up household work 50-50. Fathers spend more time on paid work, and mothers spend more hours on child care and housework. Despite this, fathers in dual income households still have almost 5 extra hours of leisure time a week.
Something that’s come up in conversations with friends is how difficult it is to put egalitarianism into practice, even if both partners are supportive of the concept. An example I think a lot about is the role money and earning potential plays. If Jason earns more than me (or vice versa), would we be making a financially irresponsible decision to split household work equally? I know intellectually that the hours someone works (or the stress someone feels) matters much more than a paycheck, but I’ve found it challenging to feel that way. It’s also a self-fulfilling prophecy - as women pare back their careers for their spouse’s, the earning gap only becomes more pronounced.
There’s a disconnect between how men and women perceive how much household work and childcare they each do. Studies have shown men consistently overestimate what they contribute to households while women underestimate their contributions.
A good example is what’s happening with working parents during the pandemic: women have disproportionately shouldered the bulk of homeschooling work. Almost half of men, however, think they do more homeschooling work than their partners.
That said, as I discussed last week, it’s really easy to round up what household work you’re doing and round down what your partner does. One of my friends mentioned a piece of dual-career advice she’d received: each person should feel as though they’re doing 60%, because, in practice, you’re both likely to land closer to 50-50.

Choosing the right partner has a huge impact on a woman’s career. While Millennial men expect to help out with housework and childcare more than previous generations (33% anticipate an equal division of labor vs. 22% and 16% of Gen X and Baby Boomer men, respectively), the same study showed half of Millennial men expect their career to take precedence over their partner’s. Specifically, Millennial men are less open to making career sacrifices for their partners. Expectations between men and women aren’t aligned, as 75% of Millennial women expected their careers would be as important as that of their partners.
Obviously I believe this or I wouldn’t have started this blog! But what really stood out to me was how important it is to align on expectations around careers and household labor early. And: be specific. Helping with the household work or childcare and making actual career sacrifices for your partner’s career are two very different things. I’ve often lumped them together, and this was a good reminder that they’re not.
A crucial way employers can support women in creating equal partnerships? Paternity leave. Paternity leave sets the stage for equality. A 2014 study found that paternity leaves - especially generous ones - influenced the permanent distribution of household labor and childcare within a partnership. In the US, while most men take some time off following the birth of a child, 80% of men who do take paternity leave take less than two weeks, with some studies showing 76% of fathers are back at work within a week of a child’s birth or adoption.
What surprised me here was how little paternity leave would be needed to make a material impact on the division of labor. The study concluded that just three weeks of paternity leave could have a years-long impact on how two parents divided childcare. Not only does paternity leave allow women to get back to work sooner, it also means mothers and fathers have more equal experiences during the initial phase of parenting. That equality of experience helps prevent one parent - usually the mother - from becoming such a parenting expert that the father can never quite catch up (and, thus, never does).