How do you know when the division of labor needs to be adjusted?
I got a lot of questions on my last post, specifically: how do you know when things aren’t fair and need to be adjusted?
Discussing an imbalance of labor can be tricky. Because the person who’s shouldering the heavier load changes on a weekly (if not daily!) basis, it’s often hard to assess the division of labor at any given moment. Plus, bean counting “who does what” is not only petty and exhausting but also feels contrary to the spirit of a partnership. Jason and I have tried to pay attention to the following cues that something might be off-balance.
What we’ve tried:
Habitual check-ins: Jason and I try to check in at least monthly to make sure everything feels manageable. For example, now that we’re no longer taking vacations or cooking as much (we’re home with my parents), we’ve discussed ways for me to take on more of the work Jason is currently doing.
Spelling it out: Even though “doing dishes” and “cooking dinner” are both tasks, the latter tends to be much more labor intensive than the former. Similarly, managing finances is a huge amount of work, and it’s helpful for me to know how much Jason does.
Absence: Occasionally, each of us has to temporarily experience life without the other person’s help. For example, when I travel for work, I do my best to freeze 1-portion meals for Jason to eat while I’m away, so he doesn’t have to eat takeout. One trip, he ran out halfway and realized that the takeout he used to eat every day was now too salty and heavy. He was extremely happy when I returned home and started cooking dinner each night.
On my side, when I first moved to Mountain View, to save time, I just re-ordered the same furniture and appliances we had in our New York apartment. This included an odor-sealing trash can. After three days, I came home to an apartment that smelled awful. Like, accidentally-left-dairy-in-my-fridge-when-I-left-town-for-six-months awful. After I’d taken out the trash, I called Jason.
“I think the trash can I bought was defective,” I told him. “It stopped sealing in odor after three days! In New York, it lasts for at least a week, if not two. In fact, I don’t ever remember it smelling.”
“Well,” said Jason, “that’s because I take the trash out every day.”
Oops! I hadn’t even noticed! It made me appreciate him even more, and it was a great reminder that it’s super easy to overestimate how much work I do and underestimate the work Jason does.
Have you ever felt like the division of labor in your marriage wasn’t equal or wasn’t fair? What happened, and how did you resolve it?