How do you accept different relationship expectations?
In my previous post, one of the things I discussed was acceptance and dating. I found that approaching dating with reasonable expectations has helped set the tone for acceptance throughout our relationship.
For example: Jason and I have very different interests. When we first started dating, I dragged him to my favorite spin class and tried to get him to watch The Bachelor with me. Jason politely indulged me a few times, but it quickly became clear that he wasn’t psyched about doing either activity regularly. Similarly, he suggested we go jogging together early on because he liked the idea of us being one of those couples who runs together. I hate running, so while I reluctantly joined him, neither of us had much fun (mostly because I spent the entire time complaining about how much I hate running).
I was disappointed at first that Jason wouldn’t be regularly accompanying me to my favorite Saturday spin class, but when I actually thought about it, I knew I didn’t need a husband who liked spinning. I had plenty of girlfriends who did and - as a bonus - would happily indulge Bachelor talk afterwards. This was a tip from First Comes Marriage that I really liked about how to accept that your partner has different interests: every time you think of something you wish your partner did with you, challenge yourself to think of at least a few other people (including just yourself!) who could accompany you instead. This went both ways - in the same way that I accepted that Jason would never watch The Bachelor with me, he made peace with the fact that I’m never going to go jogging with him (sorry!).
As we became more serious, acceptance helped make our day-to-day life more smooth. After we’d lived together for a while, I found myself barely noticing some of Jason’s habits that had initially really annoyed me. What was the point? I wasn’t going to break up with him because he left water all over the bathroom floor after he showered, and it definitely didn’t do me any good to be annoyed every time my socks got wet (I eventually bought a pair of rubber soled slippers and called it a day).
Lastly, setting aside expectations and trying to accept the other person’s habits have had implications on the way we’ve divided household labor. A big part of sharing the mental load and household work is accepting that your partner isn’t always going to do things the way you want them to be done. One of my friends recently shared with me that she accepted that when her husband did grocery shopping, something that should be refrigerated would inevitably end up in the pantry. But, she’d made peace with it because the alternative - her husband never doing the grocery shopping ever - meant she’d always be stuck with grocery runs. I know Jason has done the same for me - he very kindly accepts that I like to make somewhat complicated dinners that leave lots of dirty dishes to clean up, even though he’d prefer that I make simpler meals that result in significantly less mess. Which - when I think about it - I’d take over watching The Bachelor together any day.
How have you accepted your significant other? And how have they accepted you?