How do you decide where you and your partner should live?
Right after Jason and I got engaged, I moved to the Bay Area for a job while Jason stayed in NYC. We were long distance for over 1.5 years, and, during that time, we had a bunch of different discussions about where we wanted to permanently live - NYC, the Bay Area, or possibly, LA. Recently, though, this topic has come up again, and we’re started discussions about where we want to live long-term. It’s prompted a bunch of questions in my mind about what really matters where you live: is it having friends and family nearby? Good schools? The climate? A combination of the above factors? Here are some of the factors that have influenced our conversations, if they are useful:
The importance of location to your overall happiness: I wish one (or both!) of us were very laid-back about where to live, but we quickly realized we both felt where we put down roots would be a big factor in our respective happiness. Both Jason and I prefer more urban areas where you can walk everywhere vs. having to drive. And we both really enjoy having four seasons - especially fall and winter. Still, I have friends who are flexible enough to make pretty much any location work. My parents are actually a good example here - as immigrants to the US, they had to follow their careers and ended up in a wide range of places (Houston to Detroit to Los Angeles to Atlanta).
Careers: Jason runs his own business now, but, a few years ago, he worked in a highly specific field of finance that existed primarily in New York. Similarly, my background has been in the tech and media/entertainment space, meaning New York, LA, and the Bay Area had the most career opportunities for me. One of the silver linings to the pandemic has been a more general acceptance of permanent remote work, which would open up our location options considerably.
Friends and family: This has been one of the biggest questions in mind. Neither Jason nor I have strong social circles outside major coastal cities. Of course, we could always make new friends! But I’ve wondered whether living in a city with a more affordable cost of living would be worth it if my friends and family were far away (especially if we had children). When I was based in the Bay Area, my nephew was born. Because I lived a few minutes away from my brother, I ended up seeing him almost every single day for 1.5 years. Now - especially with travel on hold - I’ll see him at most every few months, which is hard, particularly because kids change so quickly. The idea of having our future family near grandparents or cousins is appealing enough to both of us that we’d likely compromise major preferences to make it a reality.
Shared longer-term goals: When we used to live in NYC, the parts we loved about the city were hyper specific to being a couple with no kids - amazing restaurants and bars, my favorite fitness classes, live music. Plenty of people raise kids in New York City, but both Jason and I grew up in the suburbs and like the idea of having kids with more space and a backyard.
Decisions aren’t permanent: As Jason and I have discussed where to end up, we’ve definitely given into the assumption that wherever we choose to lay down roots will be permanent (which obviously isn’t the case). We’re probably not going to buy a place anytime soon, which means we’ll (hopefully!) have a good amount of flexibility to adjust and change as our wants and needs evolve. This has been especially hard for me - I’m a natural planner, even though zero of my long-term plans have actually come to fruition - so my instinct when choosing a place is to assume we’ll stay there for the next 30 years (leading to absurd conversations such as, “but what if that town doesn’t have good high schools!”)
Compromising is key: Jason and I went through a few apartments before we finally figured out what location preferences we shared and which we needed to compromise on. For a small example, Jason really values having views of quiet, tree-lined streets, whereas I love big, sweeping views of cities, which meant one of us had to adjust. And, our preferences have changed over time - we’ve recently found that we both really love having more space and a quieter life (and proximity to nature!). Seeing how easy it’s been to pick up and move during the pandemic has emphasized to me that, at least for the next few years, I’d like to maintain as much location flexibility as possible.
How important is location to you? What factors would make you consider moving?