How do you handle the mental load?
There’s been a lot of discussion lately on the “mental load” or “emotional labor” in a relationship and how that work tends to fall disproportionately onto one partner, often the woman. That partner is the “manager” of the household who delegates work to the other partner. For example, both people decide to vacation to Australia, but one partner is “managing” the process (making sure hotels and flights are booked, planning an itinerary, ensuring visas and passports are in order), while the other partner is cruising along and only doing the work he/she is asked to do. It’s exhausting for the first partner and can cause a frustrating dynamic. My husband Jason and I wanted to be proactive about not having the mental load fall solely on one person.
Our solution:
Jason and I decided to split up our lives by “domains.” This started with a (very!) long list of what needed to be done to keep our relationship and household running - from making sure breakfast supplies were in the fridge to realizing that we hadn’t had a date night in a while to paying rent. Once we had a comprehensive list, we grouped everything into domains. We formally assigned these domains and began to track them in a wiki.
How this works:
· The person in charge of a domain can outsource tasks within that domain to the other person but is ultimately responsible for reminders and making sure they get done.
· We revisit the “Domains” list during our monthly check-ins to see if anything needs to be re-balanced (for example, someone is exhausted, dealing with a health issue, or starting a new job).
· This approach is based on trust, especially fully trusting the choices the other person is making. We cultivated that level of trust in a few ways:
o Efficiency: We’re both time poor so we agreed that owning an entire domain was the most efficient way to divide work. For example, I care about getting a new iPhone or computer but not enough to do all the necessary planning and research to actually buy either.
o Interest level / comparative advantage: We’re lucky that I love planning vacations (my domain) and Jason, who works in finance, is much better at investing and budgeting (his domain). In general, the person who cares most/has the strongest comparative advantage gets that domain.
o Alignment of values: From the get-go, Jason and I had conversations around important values to make sure we were aligned. For example, we’re both big believers in saving and have a similar approach to expenditures. As a result, I feel very comfortable letting him manage our finances without worrying that he’s being too risky or not budgeting properly.
o Tracking and weighing in: The wiki we created to track our respective domains and record developments gives all necessary information so the non-domain partner can get updates or weigh in on the other person’s work.
Here are some examples of the domains we’ve settled on:
Finances: Jason handles our finances, which means he has the joyful task of paying all the credit card bills (from mine or his account), budgeting, managing all investments and ensuring that we’re hitting our financial goals. He also does everything related to taxes, much to my mom’s utter bewilderment.
Laundry: Jason manages our laundry and dry-cleaning. He’s set up a system where I throw my garment into one of several bags – repairs/stains/alterations needed, dry-clean only, wash & fold, or donations – and clean clothes appear in my closet.
Tech management: Jason handles everything related to technology in our household, from fixing the wifi to deciding whether I need a new phone. He recently decided my laptop was old and lacked sufficient storage (I kept getting an error message), so he bought the new computer, set it up, transferred all my files over, and handed me a new laptop that was ready to be used.
Cooking and Housing: I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, and meal planning. I also manage everything related to housing, including finding an apartment, coordinating the move, furnishing and decorating, unpacking, and any repairs. I’m also managing all the work related to buying a house (something we’re considering).
Procurement/buying: Speaking of buying, I buy everything for our lives that isn’t a new tech gadget. We keep a shopping list on the fridge. Jason just writes “jeans” if he needs them and voila! A new pair magically appears in his closet.
Returns: Even though I buy everything, Jason manages all returns. I buy clothes for myself by purchasing an obscene amount of athleisure online, trying it all on at home, and returning the rejects, so this is actually a time-intensive job. Lucky him!
Social planning and relationship management: I manage our social calendar. I’m also in charge of managing the health of our relationship and making sure neither one of us is, say, secretly considering a one-way ticket to Fiji to get away from it all (more specifics on this in another post!).
We also try to divvy up shorter horizon time-intensive projects with a clear end date. For example, our wedding: Jason’s dream wedding would’ve been one that didn’t happen, and I have a gigantic Indian family who loves weddings, so we decided that I would be responsible for everything wedding related. Jason had three responsibilities for the wedding: one, pick his groomsmen, two, give me his measurements, and, three, show up.
Because of this extra work, Jason took over full responsibility for purchasing a car for me when I moved out to SF and needed one. At first, he asked me a lot of questions about my preferences (“Which color?” “What brand?” “What model?”), but I finally explained, “You know how you want to just show up at our wedding and everything is done? I literally want to walk out to my designated parking spot one day and say, ‘Oh, there’s my car. Great.’” And, delightfully, that’s exactly what happened.
Laying everything out here, you might think our relationship feels like “work.”
But, actually, the opposite is true - it feels more fun and relaxing because we don’t argue over whose turn it is to buy the paper towels (it’s always my turn) or when I’ll eventually sit down and get my taxes filed (never!). The roles are clear, and I’m free to essentially not stress about anything in a “Jason” domain.
Are domains something you’d ever try? Are there areas that you’d feel comfortable outsourcing to your partner (and, in exchange, are there areas that your partner would love to outsource to you?) Let me know in the comments below! And if you want to learn how to have these conversations and find a partner who is open to having them early in your relationship, stay tuned!